i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
