Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
