She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
