Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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