Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize