My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
