Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
