i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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