if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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