We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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