nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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