You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
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