I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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