HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
All the doctor said was why
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
