Already got asked if we're dating
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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