Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize