If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
