would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
