Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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