Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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