I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
