So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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