I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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