Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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