I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
