Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
you had me at cake vodka
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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