My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
