I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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