It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
