remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
