I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize