guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
