A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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