...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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