so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
