i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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