You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
