i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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