I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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