Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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