the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
