we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
