One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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