I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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