I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize