so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
