i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
