I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
