seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
