Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
