good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
