they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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