Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
