Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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