I skipped work to stalk him.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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