the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
