Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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