That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
