Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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