My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
someone owes me an orgasm
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
