I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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