It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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